Posts by drjbnewman

What Do You Want Others to Know About You?

Our world has many different types of people. We each bring our uniqueness to every place we go and to every interaction we have. We are not always appreciated for our uniqueness. In fact, we are too often misunderstood because others want us to be like them! This frequently happens because we each look at the world through our own lens and too often have the belief that everyone sees the world the same way. What results from these beliefs is an expectation for how others should react to similar experiences. This then, leads to a sense that as others interpret what they experienced, if those interpretations are different from ours, that they are wrong, or even worse, they are not telling the truth.

This reality creates a platform for dividing us as people. The only way to correct this is through trust and crystal clear communication and one of the most critical components of good communication is really listening to what others say. Most of us are terrible listeners. Most of us listen with a mindset that is closed and based on ourselves. To listen well we need to be open minded and focused on the speaker.

I’m wondering, have any of you experienced a situation where you were misunderstood simply because your view of the world was different from the view of others? I’d be interested in hearing your stories. If you would send me your story, I would be most appreciative. Help me tell the stories that help leaders understand how what they do can either contribute to a Legacy Culture or set the climate for mediocrity and misery. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Some Common Thinking Mistakes

Black or White? All or None? Win or Lose? Life is way too complicated to exist only in the extremes. If we think only in these either/or frames, we miss over 99% of the possibilities that exist. This year, there was only one NCAA Football Champion in the playoff/Bowl Game group of universities, Alabama. Does that mean the efforts of all those other teams was useless? Of course not. Have a realistic expectation for what you can and want to accomplish. Does this mean you don’t shoot for the stars? No, lofty goals are inspiring but we must prepare ourselves for accepting outcomes that are less than perfect.

Painting too many scenes with the same brush. Over generalization results in missing the beauty of diversity and the nuance of individuality. In addition, trying to apply past experiences in novel situations can severely limit our ability to creatively resolve problems that we encounter. Furthermore, when we respond to someone explaining their experience with a “oh yeah, that’s just like when…” we denigrate that person’s experience and limit our own understanding of it. To open our minds to greater possibilities and opportunities, a different approach will work much better. Shifting my response to, “I wonder if you think this experience I had is similar and of any assistance in dealing with your experience?” Then explain your experience. Then listen carefully to what they say. We’ve now opened the conversation up to a true dialogue seeking to be helpful to one another.

Ascribing intentions to the actions of others is a dangerous trap we can lead our minds into. Thinking we know why someone did or didn’t do what ever it is they have or have not done, starts our mind towards an imaginary battle that can actually become a real. How many conflicts have been created by our deciding that we know why someone else did what they did without ever having a simple conversation about what transpired. In history, there have been battles fought that could have been avoided by a simple conversation. In our lives, there have been relationships destroyed because we failed to have a much needed conversation. And knowing how to start the conversation is critical. Try this: “I heard or saw, or observed, or witnessed (now explain your experience) and as a result I felt (now explain your feeling) and I’m wondering if you could help me understand what happened? This approach allows for a conversation that can be open and honest. Our fears may be confirmed but by not assuming we know before we really know, we keep ourselves open for positive outcomes. If we start our conversation on an accusatory note, we almost guarantee a negative outcome.

Focusing on the negative when so much positive exists in our lives results in losing perspective. If one bad thing happens and 9 good things also happen, spending most of our time thinking about the one bad thing distorts the true nature of our experience. Yet, this is what too many people do. Think of the people you know who have limited their potential by focusing on the one failure rather than the many successes. There have been very few undefeated champions in the world of sports but each year there are still champions. We can learn from each failure but then we must move on.

This is just four way that we can sabotage ourselves with wrong headed thinking. There are others but these four are so common, I thought I’d mention them. Don’t get caught in these mind traps. Take charge of your thinking and take charge of your future.

Are You Holding Yourself Back?

All of us will, from time to time, have a thought or two about our own capacity to accomplish what we’ve set out to do. Sometimes, those thoughts keep us from achieving what we are truly capable of. What kind of thinking is going on in your mind? Is your thinking holding you back

I suggest that each of us take the time to do a thinking audit. This is an exercise of becoming aware of how we think. As we engage in our everyday life, what is the thinking that drives our actions? As we exam our present thinking, are we thinking in a way that opens us up to possibilities or are we sabotaging our potential for success? Does our mind control us, or do we control our minds?

The gateway to success is taking charge of our own thinking. Controlling our thoughts requires practice. If you have never done that before, it will probably be difficult. To take charge of your thinking requires us to begin with a framework for how we want to think. What thoughts do you want to have? That’s where we need to start. Write down what you want to think about. Read those statements regularly. Keep those thoughts at the front of your mind. Repeat them over and over. Thinking is a habit and developing good thinking habits is best facilitated by repetitive positive thinking. Practice thinking the way you want to think.

I have been amazed at the number of people who never realized they could control their thinking and how much their lives changed once they took charge of their minds rather than let their minds control them. Take time to start thinking about your thoughts. Discover what your predominant thoughts are and generate the thoughts you want. You can do this! Take charge of your thinking: Do it today!

Keeping the Wool Off Our Eyes

In our early days as a country, the phrase was used, “to pull the wool over someone’s eyes” meaning to deceive. Now, over 250 years later, I fear that we are suffering from an epidemic of wool wigs keeping far too many of us from seeing what’s really going on! So, how do we keep from succumbing to this rash of “woolyness“ that is plaguing the US?

Here’s my remedy for the other pandemic of the 2020s; Wooley Eye Syndrome. It’s a four part solution to the problem.

Part 1: Before you believe what you hear, read, or even videos you see on line, do a little research. It is so easy to be duped! Unscrupulous people will doctor videos, recordings, and print just about anything. They are not interested in the truth; they only want to have people believe what they want them to believe. Before you believe anything, do your research. Only accept evidence from reliable sources. Check with real authorities in what ever field you are looking at. Uncle John, who has a degree in history is not generally the best source of information about nuclear physics and aunt Susie with her degree in nuclear physics is not generally the best source of information about the historical significance of the Declaration of Independence.

Part 2: When you hear, read, and/or see something that appears to be to good to be true, highly unusual, very strange, or just generally unbelievable, question it. Never accept anything on face value.

Part 3: Before you take any critically important action, unless it is an emergency, pause. Wait for 24 hours before you act. Stop the whims!

Part 4: Become more of a skeptic. There’s nothing wrong with being more of a doubting Thomas. The consequences of our willingness to believe every crack pot idea being put upon the American People these days is all the chaos that is going on! We need to return to some type of sanity.

I’m seriously concerned that forces trying to undermine our National stability keep feeding the American Public bizarre notions that are so incredible and improbable but too many of us fall for it. As a result, what makes real sense and is supported by data and reason is rejected and what is based on made up craziness is accepted. Come on people! We are smarter than this!

A VISION FOR GOOD

I’ve written a great deal about vision lately and it occurred to me that there are positive visions and harmful visions. Certainly, Hitler’s vision of a world populated only by the “master race” even went further than just being harmful, it was pure evil. There are many visions that might be self-serving and may cause harm to others. When I speak of vision, I am speaking of an inspirational sense of positivity that moves people, all people, towards a better future .

In these turbulent times, it has become evident that some people have visions that do not have the better interests of all people at heart. In fact, if I discover that my vision, the driver of my passion, is harmful to people, I am obligated to modify that vision. I do not have the right to pursue ends that harm other people. When we view the world ahead of us, we are responsible for moving forward with care and consideration for what lies before us. If I am driving a car, I must avoid accidents. I must not hit pedestrians. I must not destroy property. My vision must be a responsible vision!

In my life, a major aspect of my vision has been greater civility in all aspects of our society. More than any other time in human history, we need more civility. Treating others with dignity and respect has become more important than ever before. Social media has created an environment that makes it far too easy for people to treat one another with ill will, disregard, and disrespect. Having a vision that makes a positive difference, for as many people as possible, is what I believe each of us should have. It may not be a vision that is as altruistic as my vision but it is essential that your vision be beneficial and never harmful. One of my very close friends has a vision that desires that every company he works with will have a system in place that helps them continuously to increase sales. Part of his system is recognizing that it’s very difficult to sell to people who feel they’ve been taken advantage of. So, a major part of his system is building trust and operating with integrity.

When you create your vision, remember that it’s critical that your vision not cause harm. I’m reminded of the golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but there’s even a better rule, often stated by a man for whom I have great respect, Tony Allesandro. Tony introduced me to the Platinum Rule, “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them!” The golden rule does not take into consideration that we are all different. I may want others to be very direct and to the point with me. So, if I treat everyone else like that, I may never realize that some people prefer a more cordial and conversational approach. This tells me that my vision must be broad enough and inclusive enough to allow people, with all their uniqueness, the space to fit into a world that just might move on my vision. If you already have your vision, take a good look at it and make sure your vision can coexist with the Platinum Rule!

What If I Really Can’t See Where I’m Going?

Having vision is not taught in school. It should be, but, in most schools it’s just not part of the curriculum. So, if I’ve never been taught how to really see how to meaningfully progress through my life, how to I find my vision? My advice to those seeking a vision is to engage in 3 activities. First, ask others what their vision for their life is? You will have to ask many people as it is very possible that several will have never thought about it and you are searching for visions that touch your heart . Second, do some mental role playing. Imagine what your average day would be like with one of those visions. Imagine what an extraordinary day would be like with one of those visions. And imagine what a very bad day would be like with one of those visions. Third, think about a vision that might be best for you. It may not be one of those related by others. It might be something entirely different, but the goal is finish this third task with a vision.

Now you’ve examined how other’s visions might work for you and perhaps even thought of one that is different and works best for you. Now it’s time to start applying that vision. It’s time to start thinking what that vision means regarding your daily life. How will your vision guide what you do from moment to moment? What happens when something you do does not support your vision? How will you know? Having a vision is like having headlights on a car. They are only of value when they are used. The headlights point forward towards the dark road ahead to illuminate the your dark destination ahead. Your vision serves a similar purpose for your life. Neither your headlights nor your vision will do you any good unless you use them.

Sometimes we figure out that our vision is not powerful enough and we have to trade the vision in for one that will be more helpful to us. In fact, this is a common occurrence. Earlier in our lives we tend to be somewhat limited in our ability to see into the future and we accept visions that don’t give us a clear enough view into the distance. Adopting a new, more powerful vision can help us be more effective in our quest of our best future. For this reason, it is important that we continuously evaluate our behaviors and our vision to make sure they are in line and that they will lead to the future we want.

Here’s hoping you have the vision to make your life the best it can be!

The Power of Vision

When we clearly see our way forward, the journey is so much easier. It will never be without bumps, potholes, and obstacles but, when you see clearly you will see the best way to avoid the hazards. Having a clear vision for our business and our lives takes a lot of the guesswork out of the mix. What’s your vision? Where are you driving your organization?

Imagine this. A company without a vision. How do they know what they are doing? How do they know that what they are doing will lead to anything of value? Incredibly, there are many companies that have never clarified their vision! Is your company one of these? If it is, before you do anything else, stop everything and figure out what your vision is.

We don’t have people driving around with a blindfold on. And we usually don’t take a trip without knowing where we are going. Our vision can be relatively mundane or grandiose. Either way, and all the points in between, we need to formalize and clarify that vision. Know what you want. State it clearly. Use it as your road map. A focused life, a focused business, a focused family; this will lead us in the right direction.

Three Most Important Rules

What’s the secret? How do you get ahead at work, at home, in life? Follow these three simple rules and you will increase the odds of your success. I’ve used these rules in every position of Leadership I’ve ever had. I guarantee you, if you follow these rules, your chances of success cannot be higher. You will need skills and you will need to work hard but all the skills in the world and the most diligent and dedicated work ever will fail unless you follow these rules. I’m giving these rules to you free of charge.

Rule number 1! It is all about building trusting relationships. You cannot accomplish anything of value without other people. Whether those people are part of your team or people who will buy your products or services, it’s all about people. Hurt people, cheat people, manipulate people and see who’s there to support you when you really need it. If you do nothing else, be some one others can count on. When I think of my heroes in life I think of people who treated everyone with dignity, respect, and caring compassion. Men and women like Marty Carver (retired CEO of Bandag Corp.), Rema Ella (Education Professor at Eastern Michigan University), Kent Roberts (retired Executive Director of the National Civility Center), Al Recher (retired CEO of Five Star Food Services), Laurie Stewart (consultant and presenter extraordinaire) and finally, my wife, Barb, shine so brightly. How they treat people is an example we can all learn from.

What do these heroes do that made such an impression on me? They do not appear to think about themselves first. It always seems like they are considering others before themselves. What they do probably benefits them, but in my estimation they are not doing what they do for their own personal gain. Each of these heroes has experienced great life success; personal, relational, and financial. The most amazing thing is, however, they are revered. Their communities love them. They make a difference. They’ve changed their part of the world! Enough of these people in the right places and we can change the whole world!

So let’s talk about rules number 2 and 3! Both of them are pretty easy to understand and apply. Simply refer to rule number 1. If you build trusting relationships, nothing else matters! That’s our lives and our world. If we could all trust and care for one another, what a wonderful world this would be!

How’s That Working Out for You? “Hammers and Floor Tiles?”

Sometimes we make some pretty stupid mistakes. We’re all reasonably smart people so, how does that happen? How do smart people do such dumb things? Stupid mistakes most often happen when we fail to accept our own limitations. We all have limitations. It is not possible to have prepared for everything that can come at us! Try as we may, there are many experiences that are beyond what we have observed before. And, if we are really honest, we cannot be expected to know what to do when the situation is truly novel. If we can find someone who has successfully dealt with such a situation, we would be wise to seek their counsel. If we cannot find someone, we should at least do some research.

The biggest mistake that is often made is trying to apply previous, unrelated experience to a novel situation. Just because your favorite solution has worked well for other problems does not mean it will work on a never before experienced problem. Just because you are extremely competent and comfortable using a hammer does not make it the right tool for cutting floor tiles! Similarly, just because you are outstanding at selling a product does not mean you will be an outstanding creator of new products. It doesn’t mean you cannot become a good or even great creator of new products. But selling does not automatically lead to creating. And the skills needed for selling existing products are not the skills needed for creating new products. The mistake is not in our inability. The mistake lies is our assumption that our best skills can be applied in every situation.

I have seen way too many people trying to cut floor tiles with hammers! This is how too many people go about their relationships. Whether it’s your personal or professional life, because an approach works with some people does not mean it will work with all. And because your approach doesn’t work with some people doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with those people. The greatest problems we face in life are relational. Problems associated with the physical world are much easier to solve than are our people problems. We all (yours truly included) need to get help once-in-a-while. Before we start applying old solutions to new problems, we need to seek guidance and assistance. We all need to be open to a new way. Let’s put down our hammers and look for a better tool for cutting our floor tiles!

Self Discipline

Life is full of choices. Whether you consciously make choices or not, you make them. Some by intent; some by default. If you decide by default, who’s in control of your life? Not you! The world controls you. If you decide by choice, you are not guaranteed that everything will go according to plan but at least you are doing something that will allow you to learn from mistakes, grow with humility, and chart your path forward. Without mindful decision making, it’s out of our hands.

I’ve heard the arguments against self discipline. Those people lack spontaneity. They’re boring. They’re killjoys. You may believe all of that is true but there’s another way to view the self disciplined. They’re dependable. They achieve. They succeed. And it’s all by design not by accident. They do not rely on luck but they’ll never take credit for what was incidental to their efforts. The self disciplined are more likely to create “luck” than are the undisciplined. They create luck by setting the actions in motion that allow the serendipitous to occur.

No one can tell you what your secret formula will be. That’s for you to discover. And don’t let anyone fool you, even the most self disciplined person in the world will have their moments. It’s not what you did last night or last week or even last year; it’s what you do now that matters. Self discipline always exists in the present. Reload your thinker and take charge of your thinking. That’s where it all starts. In our minds and with our mindsets. Self discipline is a mindset. If we are self disciplined, we make a conscious decision to do what we need to do to move ourselves forward rather than rely on the rest of the world to move us.