Difficult Conversations and the Legacy Leader

Difficult Conversations: We all have them. They are unavoidable. But how we have them can make all the difference in the world. Legacy Leaders have learned the secret to having these difficult conversations. The secret, transform the conversation from what’s wrong with the other person into a quest for understanding. The first step in doing this is to use I messages vs the more commonly used You message. Let’s look at the difference between an I message and a You message.

You Message: You never get your reports into me on time. Every week I have to come to you to ask you for your report. You are irresponsible and lazy and you’re holding up the entire department. You better get with the program or else!

I Message: I’m feeling really frustrated. Each week I have to turn in all the departmental reports to my supervisor and it looks really bad of me to turn in an incomplete set of reports. I’m afraid of how this reflects on me as a leader. How can I help make sure everything gets in on time.

I messages are not difficult to use. They have 3 key parts. First is the emotion felt. In this example it’s frustration. Second is the observation of what has happened. In this example it’s not turning in a report on time. And finally, it’s the search for a solution. It’s as simple as that, but applying them during the heat of difficult time schedules and breaking old habits is not so easy. That’s why there must be more than just using I messages.

In order to be effective when you must have a difficult conversation, the Legacy Leader must learn to Reflect. So many leaders are quick thinkers and fast reactors. This is great when everything is humming along but when difficulties arise, taking a moment to refelct before you react can prevent a great deal of emotional chaos. If you just learn to count to 3 before you react, you can make a big difference. While you count to 3, do this: 1–How am I feeling about what’s going on? 2–What do I need to tell people about what’s going on? 3–Can I ask those who are involved to help me solve the problem? If, as a leader, I just start blasting away, this is what happens. The responsibility for everything is mine. The creativity and incentive to take initiative is squashed. My team is put on the defensive. Emotions run high. Productivity plummets. By simply taking the short time to count to 3, you can get the majority of your people all pulling in the same direction.

There’s another difficulty in this process. That is the need for vulnerability. In order to use this approach to difficult conversations, leaders must be willing to reveal their emotions and they must be willing to say I don’t have all the answers. This requires a huge leap of faith for many people because, revealing these vulnerabilities is taking a risk that many do not like to take. That risk is that of a deaper trust. Trusting others not to take advantage of a vulnerability exposed is the biggest risk any person can take. Legacy Leaders do this on a regular basis. They know that we all have our weaknesses and soft spots. If our team is full of integrity, they will never take advantage of these vulnerabilities. This is, perhaps, the most important value that every organization should have. That value is, that we support and we do not take advantage of anyone during a period of vulnerability.

The final idea for dealing with difficult conversations is that it is better to have them now rather than later. Putting off a difficult conversation is never a good idea. Leaving bad situations to stew and fester is never in the best interest of any organization. The sooner the conversation takes place the better it will be for everyone involved. So when the difficult arises, think of the long term impact of the situation. As a Legacy Leader, waiting for things to settle down is a gamble. Everything might go back to normal but is that what your eally want? Legacy Leaders want everybody to learn from every experience. Difficult situations are excellent for teaching us how to do things better. If we wait for the right time, we postpone our learning. Moving forward in a structured and organizaed fashion, using I messages, time for reflection, and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable provides a great learning opportunity. Don’t delay the chance to learn. Tackle your difficult conversations as soon as possible.